How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship

Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes and is a different experience for each individual. Trauma can be defined as an emotional response to an event that can have lasting effects such as flashbacks, nightmares, unpredictable emotions, anxiety, depression, panic, and being easily triggered. Among all of the areas in someone’s life that trauma can affect, one area in particular that it can have a negative impact on is relationships.

When someone has unresolved trauma, there is more than likely triggers that can cause emotionally driven responses and behaviors, or isolation, depending on their bodies defense mechanism. When we experience trauma, our body defers to it’s protective response. There are four types of responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

1. Fight - this response signals to one’s body that it is time to fight back. Signs of being in a fight response include urge to physically fight, feelings of anger, teeth grinding, attacking the source of danger, and feelings of tenseness in the body. The fight response in relationships can look like lashing out on your partner, rage, attack, contempt, and blame.

2. Flight - this response forces one to flee danger. Signs of being in a flight response include restless body, fidgeting, anxiety, feeling trapped, dilated eyes, and feeling numb. The flight response in relationships can look like avoidance, panic, impulsivity, physically removing self from the situation, and lack of communication.

3. Freeze - this response signals to your body that you cannot fight or flight, so it will freeze up in place. Signs of being in freeze response include pale skin, fast heartbeat, feeling stiff, and sense of dread. The freeze response in relationship can look like disconnection from your partner, silence, and feelings of hopelessness.

4. Fawn - this response is almost like your body’s last ditch effort in safety. After utilizing either a fight or flight response, the body will shut down to the fawn response if the aforementioned were unsuccessful. Signs of the fawn response include people pleasing, overly accepting, agreeing, and being easily controlled. This type of response is usually associated with abuse and will cause the victim to do whatever the abuser wants in order to make them happy and avoid conflict with them.

When we experience a traumatic event, our amygdala processes the event through our senses. If we have unresolved trauma, there is a higher chance of our significant other to unknowingly trigger us through our senses (smell, touch, taste, vision, and hearing). It is our responsibility to communicate that to our partner as well as work towards resolving the sensitivity to that trigger. The trauma endured can cause one to be tense, emotionally distant, unable to communicate, and push their partner away. On the other end of the spectrum, the trauma endured can cause one to be overly dependent on their partner, fearful of abandonment, and inability to have space from their partner.

It can be difficult to understand and accept that you have unresolved trauma. Once that mountain has been climbed, the next step is to start working towards resolving that trauma. There are ways in which one can start to work on this on their own.

1. Self Soothing - Stretching, soothing imagery, relaxing smells, breathing techniques

2. Tell Your Story - Journal, speaking with a friend, partner, parent, therapist or other type of safe support person

3. Communicate Triggers - Share your trigger with your partner so they can understand how they played a part without blaming them. Utilizing “I Statements” can be very helpful with this.

4. Experience Your Feelings - Do not ignore or push away how you are feeling. Notice it, name it, set a timer for five minutes to feel it, and allow it to pass through you. Identify where in your body you are feeling these emotions.

5. Look for a Trauma Therapist - resolving trauma on your own can be very difficult and can feel lonely. Contact a trauma therapist to support you and guide you through resolving your trauma.

Don’t let the fear of turning into the storm push you to keep running from the storm. Allow yourself the opportunity to start the healing process and be able to feel the ability to be the person you want to be in life and in your relationship. If you are located in Florida and looking for someone to talk to, Willow Wellness Counseling is here with open arms ready to help you. Please contact us at 904-712-9393 or katie@willowwellnesscounseling.com.